Before I get down to the nitty-gritty of this update (i.e.: incoherent rambling), let me touch upon a few fundamentals about last night's show.

1. Pat Walsh opened things up, with his band mates Tim (Guitar) and Dave (Bass). He was really awesome, a perfect fit for Paul Melancon, with great 3-part harmonies, and quirky, interesting, lyrics that had lots of street names and proper nouns in them. Hey Pat! I looked up "reddle" and found: rud·dle (rdl) also red·dle (rdl) or rad·dle (rdl) n. Red ocherous iron ore, used in dyeing and marking. I really liked Pat and his band. Dave played an awesome Rickenbacker bass, and Tim played a mean acoustic guitar through a chorus and compression pedal. Check out Pat's stuff at: http://www.patwalshmusic.com/

2. Paul was amazing as always, and truly pleased the crowd with his annual performance of "Brickhouse" (she's mighty mighty!). Though we all screamed for Tenacious D, Paul merely teased us with a few chords of "My Kielbasa Sausage." He brought in a really good crowd, and gave away a few choice prizes-a weaklazyliar CD, a CDR with an unfinished track off Paul's upcoming album, A ukulele autographed by everyone who played at the show, and a House Concert (everyone, expect a party at Wade's place in the upcoming months!) Paul keeps a show diary too, so visit http://www.boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?&user=paulmelancon to hear his version of events.

3. We managed to pull a few songs out of our ass…I wouldn't say we sucked, but I think we all felt a bit off. It got better as the show went on. I thought "Secondhand" sounded especially good. With Paul on rhythm guitar, and me on rhythm picking guitar, we basically managed to perform the song the same way you'll hear it one day on the CD (except, I guess, for the pedal steel,) which was really nice to be able to do. But the highlight of the evening was our cover w/ Paulie of U2's "Bad" (you know, the "Wide Awake" song off Unforgettable Fire.) It went over really well (the door guy even poked his head in the room,) and Paul cracked us all up by bringing a teeny flag out at the end and shouting "Let It Fly!"

4. Overall, I thought the show was quieter than last year's extravaganza, the crowd a bit more subdued. A lot has happened this year. I felt wrapped in the kindness of people who are being, perhaps, kinder than normal (well, except for the bartender, who was clearly in a foul mood.) It's like, we're all a little quieter; we're all a little nicer; we're all a little more tentative. We look at each other more…the year ending on a minor chord…

Now, onto the rambling…We were in the studio all weekend, knocking out overdubs for the first reel. We're nearly done except for vocals and Hammond…and the 2nd reel of course! Zero Return is just incredible. Words will not do it justice. And Rob (or AstroRob?) Del Bueno is a genuinely amazing person. We love working with him. The November Diaries is starting to sound like a real record. Everything is rich and warm-Chris' bass sound is smooth and buttery, the best bass sound he's ever had. Joe is utterly solid, and all his cool tinkling hi-hat and snare shuffles are pure genius. Ryan has become (IMHO) an indispensable element of the wll sound. He adds all the flavor. The acoustic guitars are sounding great too…really thwicky and driving, pulled back in the mix, and big and rich when they're up front. I played Ian's guitar on the picking track of 'Secondhand,' and I'm really proud of it, even though it's no virtuoso's guitar part. Ian's Starfire *sounds* amazing. After piano, and pedal steel get layered on, you probably won't be able to hear much of the picking track (except for the intro), but it's there underneath everything, saying haha-maybe Gerlinda can't play WELL, but she's developed her OWN STYLE, so F.O.!!! The sad news is, because of time involved to master, manufacture, and feed out to radio & stores, we're now looking at a late April release date. Hopefully, we'll have product available sometime in March, and we'll ship the CD to anyone who preorders through Multitask (the yellow 'm' on our navigator) as soon as we get it. We're all really anxious to be finished and get this record out. Thanks for supporting us through this loooong winter (well, summer/fall, actually.)

Hey, as I type this…Ryan just called & 'Snow' (the album version) is playing on 88.5-the college station that (to my knowledge) has never played anything off Yesterday Night. WOW! (The trivia on 'Snow' is that Chris did "fly away" backing vocals in the studio, which Jeep & I loved…but they weirded Chris out, so he made us do 2 mixes-one with him & one without. He wanted us to use the mix without him, but the mastering guy used the one *with* him, and Chris didn't notice, so the 'Snow' has the only known recording of Chris singing…listen hard; you can hear him.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

So, a really cool thing happened to me, and I have my big mouth to thank for it. In my last column (the one about the Hard Rock show), I mentioned that Lee from the Gentle Readers had *the* electric guitar I wanted-A Gibson archtop, with a bigsby tremelo. These were just idle words in passing… All my attempts at integrating an electric guitar sound (played by me, in any case) into the band have been rebuffed. I'm just not very good at it, see. I haven't learned the subtle art of "hanging a chord" or whatever. Whenever I play electric guitar, it's all one perpetually noisy jangle, causing Chris to cover his ears and Joe to look up for the source of the piercing annoyance.

But times are changing. I've been shopping for the perfect archtop guitar for several months. I've played a bunch of different ones. The economical and fly-looking Epiphones. A couple different Gibsons. One remanufactured Guild. They all felt pretty good, but they were all (even the Epiphone!) out of my price range-Pink Floyd's "distant ships smoke on the horizon."

And then I got an email from Ian K. Ian, it turns out, had a 1966 Guild Starfire VI
that he hadn't played since his daughter was born 4 years ago. He's moving out of the country for a couple years, and wasn't planning on taking the guitar with him. Did I want to borrow it while he was away?

Imagine my big mouth stunned into silence.

I mean, not only is it a really cool, old-school archtop, but here was this fan of the band (whom I do not know personally; I'm not even sure how he heard of us) who read my column and just casually decided to do a really kind and generous thing. I couldn't believe my good luck. I wrote back to him, gushing and saying yes, yes, yes I'll borrow your guitar. I never really believed he'd send it. But yesterday, it arrived. It's cooler than I ever imagined. Sunburst colored, a bit battered, with the smoothest neck and lowest action I've ever played. You flip the switch one way, and you sound just like the Stray Cats. You flip it the other way and Eric Clapton is up in the hizzzouse. Now I just have to figure out how to play it without making the band cringe! I plan to do this the same way I figured out how to play my acoustic-by writing songs on it.

Isn't this the coolest story ever? I'm sitting here typing and grinning, cause-despite everything-the world is a pretty cool place. I know I waffle back and forth on the basic kindness or evilness of human nature, but today I'm chalking one up for kindness. Now I just have to figure out how to Pay It Forward.

Ian-I can't thank you enough!

I have nothing to say. Well, OK, actually, I always have something to say, but I have no NEWS to discuss, report, bitch about etc… So I thought I'd just write down some random thoughts. Cause, Bluey does that, and I always find them entertaining. Here goes:

1. Why is it that so many people like Pink and Britney Spears and N'Sync? I don't get it. well, OK, so chris & joe were talking about how hot Britney is in the Slave 4 U video, so that explains that. and, well, OK, N'Sync's cover of "Friday Night/Just Got Paid" is hoppin'. And Pink's new song is…infectious, but…I guess I'm just jealous.

2. There is a small red bug perched on the end of a piece of paper that is curled up over my keyboard. It looks like something from A Bug's Life, and I'm wondering if it has feelings.

3. The new "West Wings" haven't been as good this season as last. Then again, it would be impossible to top the Mrs. Landingham episode.

4. The new Suzanne Vega record has these weird oscillating sounds bookending tracks 1 & 5. I like them, and I want to know how to make a whole song out of them.

5. The world will never be the same

6. My boss actually had a great idea for a coffee table book. Photographs & short essays of & by people who work as drywall installers or electricians, but who aspire to be writers or race car drivers. She (my boss) just finished building a new house, and she said everyone who worked on it had an alternate life as a Jazz Bassist or a Poet.

7. My other boss told me today that I should think twice next time before I sacrifice my job for something that will never happen. (He was referring to the fact that I didn't go on this year's company trip because we were supposed to go to New York for the CMJ Festival.) Fuck him. He's never getting backstage passes when I'm famous.

8. The world will always be the same

9. Chris is going to have a life-altering experience in about 2 weeks, and I'm seriously excited for him.

10. Chris also emailed me today with a really cool idea for a hidden track on our new CD

11. I love fall. Paul M. & I were talking about it today. Fall is pulling up to the Cotton Mill to pick Chris up for practice, and having him saunter through the gate in his camo shorts, long-sleeved black T, and jean jacket, smoking a cigarette. He opens my car door and says 'wussssup' in a low, sleepy voice, and he smells like smoke and soap. All this will be very nostalgic for me someday, if the hidden track on our new CD works out as planned.

12. Just before Paul & Sarah's 10th Anniversary party, Joe bought a navy cap from CVS. It looks like something a sailor would wear, and he is so impossibly cute in it that I don't know how Marie stands it.

13. I bought identical black & blue shirts from Old Navy, and they're both developing shiny marks around my bra's outline, like ultra-faded batik. It's pissing me off, and I'm considering spending the recording fund on a breast reduction. Why can't I look like Felicity?

14. Can you sing with earplugs in? Cause everyone in our band is going deaf. Chris, Joe & Ryan have all started wearing earplugs, and I don't want to be the only deaf one.

15. Gina-this one's for you: "YOUR WIFE IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER!"

OK, that's all I've got. They aren't as entertaining as butt sex…but for that you'll have to read Bluey's latest column. Or, if this is in the archive by the time you get to it, I guess you're SOL.

See you guys in 10 days @ the Hard Rock Show.

I guess you could blame it on Jeep. He has an album cover hanging in his studio of a band I'll call "The XXX Family Trio." The cover photo features 3 horse-faced women and a man who looks a tad like Ernest from 'Ernest Goes To Camp' (only not as good-looking.) We asked Jeep, 'how come there are 4 of them, if it's a trio?' and Jeep said, 'Well, that's the $64,000 question isn't it?' Maybe they inbred so much, they lost the ability to perform simple math? Or maybe they were all so collectively stupid that, between the 4 of them, they only have the smarts of 3 regular people? I don't know. It's a mystery. But the mystery kindled a long-dormant place in Ryan's soul…

It turns out that Ryan has an alter-ego…an old codger named BigPoppa Cuntry. BigPoppa ain't too smart, but he's a damn fine slide guitar player with a once-respected holler which, due to the progressive onset of deafness, has recently become an embarrassment. BigPoppa spawned a mighty progeny…the jewels of which are his daughter Beulah and his son Dale. Now, Beulah is probably the crowing glory of the Cuntry Clan. She's cute as a button, in her pigtails and her kerchief. She can sing, she can dance, and she sure can spin a yarn. Her brother Dale, on the other hand, is a sad case. Totally mute, and uncommonly tall, a suffering soul, plagued with the sorrow of many unrequited loves. Thank God he has the banjo as an outlet.

Until recently, the Cuntry family hasn't had much occasion or desire to venture into the big city. But Beulah, it seems, has harbored aspirations for years--writing songs and practicing in the barn. When she found out that Paul Melancon was having a big party for his 10th wedding anniversary, and that he was indiscriminately inviting musicians to take the stage and jam, by way of entertainment…well, Beulah decided it was her big chance. She charmed BigPoppa, bullied Dale, and even recruited her narcoleptic and frightening Aunt Melba and Melba's delinquent son, Cousin Lester, to join the band on rhythm guitar & drums. The fivesome piled into the back of BigPoppa's panel truck and made the long trek to Atlanta. Lester passed the time by drawing a "Cuntry Family Threeo" sign to tape up onstage. Beulah, meanwhile, taught Dale, Melba & BigPoppa "The Ballad of Sarah and Paul", an original tune, written special for the occasion.

The "Threeo" arrived in Atlanta just in time to see the happy couple, Paul & Sarah, renew their vows under the Authority of the Universal Life Church of Modesto, California. Then, they set up onstage and launched into Beulah's tune. A God-Awful caterwauling filled the room. It was Beulah's singing, backed up by Aunt Melba's hideous screech, and BigPoppa's off-key blare. The music wasn't so bad, except for the fact that Melba kept nodding off and missing guitar chords. Dale and BigPoppa performed admirably on banjo and slide guitar, while Cousin Lester kept a steady beat with his trusty brushes. The roughest moments came toward the end of the yodeled choruses when BigPoppa let out his once-famed holler off-key and in the wrong spots, earning him scathing looks and cracks on the head from Beulah. But all-in-all, the Trio lived up to their name, proving it takes 5 Cunts to make a Cuntry Family Trio.

weaklazyliar took the stage next, and performed 'Wait For Me,' 'Secondhand,' and 'Snow,' before they were booed off the stage by a rabid crowd thirsty for more Cunt. Fortunately, the Trio had left the building. I assume they returned to the sleeping depths of Ryan's soul. (On a personal note, I'd like to express my deepest gratitude that Ryan's alter-ego has gone back into hibernation. May BigPoppa never stir again.) Paul M. stepped in and filled up the void with a short, all-request set, which was definitely the highlight of the festivities. The crowd (enthusiastically) entreated Sarah to do some stand-up comedy, but she declined. Thus, ELO FrampWagon had an unfortunate reunion toward the end of the night. I forgot half the words to "American Girl." Paul forgot half the words to "Show Me The Way." And Chris, Paul and Ryan forgot ¾ of the chords to both songs…but huge fun was had by all. Not to mention, free beer.

Congratulations to the newly-reweds! And thanks for a great party!

Tonight, weaklazyliar was supposed to play in NYC, at the CMJ festival. Despite our general gloom and disappointment over the recording of the new album, we were all looking forward to going. Gina went out of her way, trying to make us feel like a real band--buying us plane tickets, reserving 2 suites at a great hotel, and planning all sorts of secret surprises for us...

But then, just before 9am EST on 9/11/01, the sky fell down.

Now, all of what Dee-From-Dublin might call this "fecking band shite," seems just so completely...

I don't want to say "unimportant," because it *is* important to me. It's just not worth tearing myself up about. In fact, NONE of the things that might have enraged me just days ago even register anymore.

If Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson came up to me right now, preaching their homophobic, misogynistic crap, I would just stick daisies in their mouths, clap them on their backs and point out the beautiful sunrise…

And if we listen back to our album today, or tomorrow, and decide it's crap, I'll happily redo whatever needs to be redone.

I've always wondered, in my existential way, why we're here…Today I find myself just glad to BE.

There are probably dark days ahead for the world. I wanted to write down how I feel today so that I'll remember. I also want to say thank you to everyone reading this. I feel like we're a sort of family here in weaklazyliarland. You guys remind me over and over that people in the world are generally good, and that the smallest things are the most important. This column is me catching your eye across a crowded room and smiling. I'm sure that goes for Chris, Joe & Ryan too.

Things haven't been going so well in weaklazyliarland. The whole process of recording our new record has been Total Schizophrenia. It's been wonderful one moment and demoralizing, frustrating, and divisive the next. By the time all the songs were mixed, Chris and I couldn't even hear them anymore. The night before we were supposed to have the record mastered, we decided to stop the train. All along, Jeep had been telling us to take some time to "live with the mixes," and in the 11th hour, we took his advice. It was a real relief to step away from it, honestly. We'll listen back in a couple weeks, and hopefully, know without question, whether the record is ready to release "as is" or whether we should do some more work. In the meantime, we had this show scheduled…

When you're in a band, you have to sort of psych up, trying to believe that your band is, like, the greatest band in the city, if not the world. I sort of think musicians are egotists partly because we HAVE TO BE. You pour your heart out into the great vat of apathy, where things you believe in are routinely discarded like so much yawning nothing. You tell your friends you're just having fun, screw it, but in your heart, you WANT something. And wanting things can make a person pretty vulnerable. I don't care how jaded or flip they are. Weaklazyliar went into the recording process with fully-puffed egos, thinking we were easily capable of a) recording ourselves at home b) making a perfect record. We've been really hard on ourselves; Chris and I have lost a lot of confidence along the way.

We brought our lack of confidence with us to the show. It sat in it's own chair, propped up nobly by Ryan (who has been just incredible through this whole process.) I played the first few songs with a feeling I'm not sure I can describe. There were these photographs or drawings on the wall, of something lit up and reflected in water. I kept seeing those images behind my eyelids while I played and thinking 'this is how I feel.' Broken and blurring, like light on water. But slowly…I opened my eyes and there you were…real people in a familiar room…and I remembered 'oh yeah, this is why we do this.'

I don't think we played particularly well, but you were very forgiving! You even had us back for an encore. (To which I, stupefied, said 'Damn! What's wrong with you people?') We felt very understood, very loved. We needed that more than you know, so…

**THANK YOU**

PS-Wanted to give a shout out to Alastor & Paul, who played great sets. Paul keeps a show diary too, so you can read his version of events (which contains much more actual info) on his message board here

PPS-Also, wanted to mention that a couple people came to the show after hearing Ryan's remixes of weaklazyliar songs on the radio!! I personally thought this was a really cool turn of events. Those remixes are getting more airplay than our records ever got, and introducing us to a whole new audience. Our lil' Ryan is a multi-talented, and all around swell guy; his plot to rule the world is coming along nicely.

Downtown Atlanta is home to tourists and vagrants. Rarely do townies venture in after the banks, skyscrapers and GA State College close. Which is sad, cause downtown Atlanta is utterly fabulous. If you fill in the gaps between high rises, you can almost imagine you're in NYC. There are taxicabs, UPS trucks pulled up on the sidewalk, honking traffic, lost and befuddled pedestrians dressed in their "Underground Atlanta" T-shirts, neon restaurant signs, statuary, marbled office commons, the smell of diesel, and REAL TREES (in planters cut into the concrete sidewalks.)

Chris, Gina & I paid our $5 to park and walked a couple blocks to the Hard Rock Café. I need not describe it, as it looks identical to every Hard Rock Café. There were black-t-shirted Atlantis Music Conference security and sound people all over the place. Which was really the only sign that the bands were playing a "showcase." All I have to say about Atlantis is…poor, backwards Atlanta…we sure do try hard to be cool, don't we? weaklazyliar didn't even bother submitting a press kit for Atlantis this year. Our poor egos couldn't stand another rejection; I spent the $20 application fee on guitar strings.

Paul Melancon, however, applied and was granted a showcase at the Hard Rock. Ironic, since his band Radiant City broke up after playing the Atlantis showcase at the same venue last year. No bad chi lingered in the place, however. Paul & The Million Box ROCKED THE HOUSE!! From the very first crunchy chord of 'Guy Fawks Day' to the pop glory that is 'Hitchcock Blonde,' Paul and his Box rocked our socks off. Their cover of 'Pulling Mussels From A Shell' made Gina squeal, and more than one girl rushed the stage. I wish my memory is better so that I could name all the members of his band, but you'll have to visit Paul's website www.paulmelancon.com for those details. Even though I love hearing Paul acoustic (cause you can really appreciate how intelligent and clever his lyrics are in that setting,) I have to say it was so awesome to see Paul playing an electric guitar. He just seemed so happy to be playing with a band again. I was totally blown away, and I hope lil' Paulie remembers us when he's a huge superstar. We here in weaklazyliarland are firmly entrenched in the Paul Melancon fanclub; it's our duty to spread the word!!

Paul and The Million Box are playing again next Saturday 8/11/01 at the Dark Horse Tavern (10pm) with another of our favorite bands, The Chain Poets. GET OFF THE COUCH AND GO SEE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't say this was a great show...but neither was it a total disaster. We didn't ask anyone to play with us, so we had 2 whole hours to fill up. I decided we should just play every song we'd ever recorded, and also do "Elevator" and about 4 new songs. This wasn't really fair, since I had all day Saturday to practice "Elaine" and "Picture of a Girl" and "Guts" while Chris, Joe, & Ryan were clueless. But, in the end, we pulled it off OK. "Elaine" was a bit of a train wreck. But "Guts" actually sounded kind of good. We never play "Forgive" as a band anymore (I'm not sure why--I think because it's sort of a minefield of chords...the same 4 chords but all jumbled up in different orders) so I did the solo acoustic version. I also played "Shari's Listening," which gets neglected. And I tried, briefly, to play "My Gravity" but I forgot the words and gave up after about 30 seconds. Our last song was the band debut of "Someday," which we call the "stirring the pot song" cause that's what Joe does, with his brushes. "Someday" is a very bizarre song, but I think it's going to be my favorite from the new record. It's got a lot of soul. I'm just saying.

We sold a few CD's & got some names on the mailing list...do any of you new people ever read this column??? Send us some email, or post on the message board! It makes our day to hear from you guys. Really.

Right before the show, I was standing sort of aside, near this empty bookshelf. I looked down and saw a napkin, with "She Farted 5 X" written in pink ink, little girl handwriting. I showed it to Ryan, and we cracked up. He said I had to use it as the header to this GBM. So I did.

Life has been really weird the last week. If you've been reading the Chaos Diaries (in the studio), you'll note that our session last Sunday was 100% a waste of time. It brought us all down. Chris actually dropped off the earth for several days; we were supposed to record on the 4th of July, but he called it off. This of course freaked me out, causing me to obsess all week that Chris was going to quit the band. (That's what I do, obsess.) All these visions went through my head about playing our next show (which isn't until September) all by myself, playing all the stuff off the weaklazyliar record that never got recorded... you know, to PURGE it, so that I could enter my new life as a solo artist with a clean heart. By about the 3rd day, I realized that's really not what I wanted. What I want is TO MAKE THIS F% &*ING RECORD!! Keep this band together. Figure out a way to plow through what has become a very, very hard time for weaklazyliar.

Hey! Keep your fingers crossed for us, OK? Send us some good vibes. You can even say prayers if you want. Throw an "OM" up on the message board every once in a while. I'm a little afraid that we've bitten off more than we can chew, trying to record at home; I want more than anything to find a way to not "just get through this." We really need to be able to be excited about it. I think it would help if there were some visible evidence that, somewhere out there, people were rooting for us. Little hands appearing in the great void, to catch and hold the things we throw out into the world.

We met at the practice space around 6pm to load up equipment for the show. We ended up having a few minutes to kill, so we all just sat around The Precinct, chilling. I said something like, "Lets call in sick to the show." and Chris' & Joe's little eyes lit up and they started begging like little kids… "YEAH! Tell them our car broke down!!" "Our practice space got robbed!" "Marie fell down & broke a leg!" Do you think we're the only band in the world who'd rather be posting to our own message board than actually playing a show?

But, off to the show we go. Knowing it'll be the same old songs spewed out into the great void, with no reward to reap afterwards, no lives changed, no hearts touched, just an expectation of being tired and a bit hungover for work the next day. I'm sure most bands break up for this very reason… the deadening feeling of never getting anywhere; you throw yourself against the world. You do it over and over again. You can only call it ART for so long before people just sort of turn their backs on you or tell you you're wasting your time. You start dreading shows and resenting the empty way they leave you feeling. Before the show, Ryan and I sat at the bar, defacing the setlist with little drawings and unflattering descriptions of our own songs.

But, shows are almost never as bad as you think they're going to be. It's like going to your Grandmother's house. You'd rather do anything else, ANYTHING. But, once you get there, your cousin takes you up into his treehouse and gets you high, and hey, Grandma's house doesn't seem so bad after all!

We had a great show last night. Guess what??? I didn't practice AT ALL!! And I didn't mess anything up, thank you very much. Jeep sat in with us the whole set, on acoustic guitar, and it was so much fun having him there. He's such an excellent musician, and an incredibly nice person overall. Chris was cueing him on when all the stops were, and they had a whole musician-to-musician vibe going on. Joe rocked the house on Empress of New York. (NY sounds way better with brushes, and a sort of hiphop shuffling beat, I've decided.) Ryan was kicking some ass over on his Hammond-turned-Piano (thanks to some sort of piano modeling thing he's acquired.)

At the end of the night, two things made it all worth it:

1. We met a guy named Patrick, who bought a CD and signed the mailing list and complimented us. Patrick, if you're reading this, it's people like you who leave us thinking that maybe all this work we're doing isn't a waste of time after all. So, THANK YOU. THANK ALL OF YOU.
2. Eddie Owen, the famed and acclaimed owner of Eddie's Attic, removed his pipe from his mouth and told me, "You've got a really great little thing going there. Really, Really Great." Eddie doesn't say things like that lightly, and it made my day!!

Allow me to be humble, modest, and demure in admitting that, as Tenacious D would say, we "rocked the f@!&ing house and kicked some ass!" (picture me doing a victory dance: go Gerlinda! go Joe! go Chris and Ryan! uh-huh.)

Seriously, though, we had a great time opening up for SFC & Gentle Readers. They brought in a big and appreciative crowd that clapped & yelled & made us feel really, really great. Some of you are on our mailing list now, so hopefully we'll see you again soon.

I'm not sure what to say about the show itself, except that Chris, Joe & Ryan were amazing. I think maybe finally, after 2 years, that we're finally a BAND. (As opposed to 4 separate people doing 4 separate jobs onstage.) I was pretty nervous, so I didn't open my eyes or look up from the floor too often, but I had this feeling of rightness the whole time…one of those sort of rare moments where you just KNOW everything's okay. I attribute this in part to the incredible audience, and in part to the amazing venue that is Eddie's Attic, and in part to the fact that Paul Melancon sang backup on 3 songs. We had a really great time and we owe it all to YOU!

But, enough about us, Go see the Gentle Readers!! They were great. Their alter-ego, The Susi French Connection, was also incredible. SFC does cover songs from the 70's with the aid of doo-wop girls and keyboards. I can almost picture the Gentle Readers sitting around their practice space, jamming on "Waterloo" for fun and then getting the brilliant idea to do entire shows based around great old songs… [That's how I suspect Asswagon came into being. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, be sure to post on the message board & someone will give you the whole sordid story of Asswagon.] Anyway, SFC is brilliant; A guaranteed crowd-pleaser. And the Gentle Readers need to be commended for coming up with such a creative way to get people out to their shows, while at the same time getting to have so much fun playing songs everyone loves. I had a great time after we played, just kicking back and watching SFC & GR. I really hope they ask us to do shows with them again sometime. We traded CD's & Lee uses a tremolo effect on tracks 5 & 7 that I'm determined to copy someplace on our new record.

I have to say I'm a bit exhausted. I went out Wednesday night and saw Underwater's 2nd-to-last show ever, and then I was out late last night, and we have another show tonight, so I'll be out late AGAIN, and then we're recording tomorrow. And of course, in between all that fun, I have to go to WORK every day… So, my point is, if you're reading this & you're in a position to deliver us from our dayjobs & let us play Letterman just once before we all settle down to writing hits for N'Sync, HURRY UP AND GET HERE!!

Remember that little North Carolina/South Carolina tour we did a couple years ago? We played at some little place called The Woodshed one night. It looked like a BBQ joint, but with pool tables. Out in the middle of noplace, just a decrepit marquis with letters missing and leaning heavily to one side. Anthony’s is actually much nicer than that. The place is enormous; the stage was a nice size & shape. Yes, they were serving pizza. Yes, there were florescent kitchen lights off to our right. Yes there was a rowdy crowd playing pool and video games in the next room. Yes there were families of 10 all yapping nonstop through the entire show. But the sound was good. Maybe the best stage sound we’ve ever had. And Farley, the soundguy, dimmed all the lights, giving the place a more intimate feel.

A special shout out to Rama, Lauren, Kathleen, Gina and Marie who were the ONLY people who came out to see us. [ed note: ryan brought a few friends from work, but we never got their names, they were great enough to buy cd's! thank you!!] The rest of you missed a really great show. I can’t quite explain what happened to me, but something happened. If I haven’t mentioned it before, I don’t really like performing. When you perform, it’s all about a particular moment in time. And the success of that moment is dependant on infinite number of factors. How the band feels, What the crowd is like, Coolness of the venue, Dependability of the equipment, Stage sound, Lighting, What vector the moon is in... Performing isn’t really ever about the songs themselves. But the songs themselves are all that’s ever felt real to me. The rest of it, I feel like I’m faking. When I have a good show, its almost always about you guys making me feel like you’re listening, and you get it, in spite of the obvious fact that I’m not very cool or impressive. Its hard on the rest of the band, because if I’m floundering, then it’s hard for them to let go and have a good time. Chris is forever whispering for me to relax.

But last night, I just let go. I don’t know what snapped in me, but I hit the first note and it just felt GOOD. Singing felt AMAZING; I wasn’t worried about my guitar parts, because I knew if I forgot something, Chris & Joe & Ryan had my back. Its really weird that it happened at that show, with drunken people in the pool room heckling us to play “You Can Go Your Own Way” and the unruly family in the front row yelling at each other the whole time. That stuff didn’t even bother me; I felt powerful and confident, and I was having a great time. We all sounded great. We played about 20 songs, which meant we had to drag the bottom of the barrel to find stuff we don’t hate to play. But even the old crap, like “Elvis” was fun. At some point during our 2nd set, I dropped my pick, but I grabbed another off my little rubber pickholder that clamps to my mic stand, and rejoined the band on the next downstroke, without missing a beat. I don’t think anybody noticed, but I had a big grin on my face. I was thinking about that disastrous show with Five Eight at the High Museum, where I dropped my pick & had to scrabble on the floor for 30 seconds mid-song before I found it. Little stuff like that makes me feel like maybe I’ve gotten a bit better, in spite of myself.

One weird moment: Early on in our first set, I had to tune my guitar back to standard, so I did my usual pick-on-Chris routine & said, “Now Chris will tell you a joke.” To which Chris replied something sarcastic. So then I asked the table of kids up front if one of them had a joke. The littlest one, this tiny boy who couldn’t have been more than 5, said “Happiness.”

Now that’s deep.

We'd never played at the Star Bar before. Not for lack of trying, I might add. It's one of several local-level Atlanta clubs we've never been able to break into. So we were psyched to get our foot in the door (thanks to Nillah!), even though it meant playing on a Wednesday night. The Star Bar is sort of famous. It's right in the middle of Little 5 Points (arguably the hippest neighborhood in Atlanta, certainly the most bohemian.) It's small, dirty and a bit seedy, but everyone has played there. The Flying Biscuit Cafe rents it out every December for a private holiday party & Emily Saliers of the Indigo Girls (who is part owner of the Biscuit) has played some truly kick-ass shows at the party (Hash Shows, or with pick-up bands featuring Siggy-the-drummer and Missy Spirt on guitar.) Anyway, for some dumbass reason, it made me feel legitimate to be able to casually say, "Oh, yeah, we're playing at the Star Bar." Almost, but not quite, like I'd feel if we ever got to play at The Bitter End or the Viper Room.

Unfortunately, and as usual, my expectations exceeded reality. The stage sound was the a bit odd (ie: hard to hear drums/bass or keyboards.) We didn't get a soundcheck, and when we started playing our 1st song ("Beautiful") the acoustic guitar was overpowering EVERYTHING. By the end of the song, the monitors were feeding back so badly I was afraid they might explode. Nerves severely rattled, we limped through our 2nd number ("Bright Yellow Bucket"). Things got a little better by the 3rd song, "Wait For Me," but we were all nervous and struggling. When we played "Rocketpop," Joe kept playing louder and faster trying, I guess,to hear himself over the other din onstage. By the end, we had speeded up so much Chris was having trouble playing the bass line over the ascending progression and I had long since lost my mind & started screaming. But our Rocketpop-On-Speed version earned a big cheer from the room, so maybe it ended up okay. Paul M. hopped onstage and sang "American Girl" with us to close out the show, after which, we packed up our gear in shame. Just when we start to think we're getting better, we get thrown into an unfamiliar environment and suffer a setback!!

The Star Bar does this thing where they hire a different house band every month. This is how, when Nillah got hired as house band for May, we finally landed a show there. Nillah rules!! They have the most fabulous equipment of any band in Atlanta. Matching Rickenbocker bass & guitar. Vox Guitar Amp Head & cabinet, with Fender tube reverb head & fly pedal board with multiple effects. Cool old-school Ampeg bass head & cabinet. Superfly-TNT drum kit, with silvery swirls & a small 28" bass drum. The kit is circa 1965ish, and sounds AMAZING. Nillah writes really solid pop songs, with a sort of 80's era British influence, especially with regard to the guitar sounds. They rocked the house! Jeff the drummer, who is a lawyer by day, was wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-Shirt. Remind me to tell you a story about me, my brother, & the Dukes of Hazzard. Anyway, I really want to thank Nillah for asking us to play the show. And I'm sorry I didn't get to stay and see the last band, which was Boss (not the yum-yum trees like I said in my email, or the Indicators in drag as was reported in Creative Loafing.)

People in the audience told us afterwards that we had a really great show. We certainly don't remember it that way, but thanks to the miracle of technology, Ryan has a CD of our performance. I haven't heard it and can't comment. But Ryan and Chris say it's not so bad and that "Wait For Me" actually turned out great. They're scheming to find a way to post an MP3 on Tayo's website. Check the message board for details. The house sound sound turned out to be really good. I guess the trick is play as if what you're hearing on stage is good as well. At the end of the day, it's still a really cool club, and I hope they ask us back sometime. Plus, Chris says they have the best Jack & Cokes in town.

In other weaklazynews, we looked at a different practice space just before the show yesterday. It's in this building called The Precinct, a secure building with covered loading & unloading. It also has CLEAN bathrooms. And a really cool lounge area, complete with couch, lights on dimmer switches & Modern Drummer magazines on the coffee table. The room we looked at is bigger than our current space, for about the same money. Plus the building doesn't smell like vomit. We'll miss the strum & drang of Black Box; but it'll be good not having to worry about catching diseases from the old & moldy carpets that wallpaper the Black Box spaces.

As I type this, there is a thunderstorm is RAGING outside. It's glorious-hail, big booming thunder, lightening. I love a good thunderstorm.

I'm not so sure what to say about our show last night. The FloatAway Open House is this annualish event we throw where I work. It's usually really, really huge. All the beer gets sucked dry within the first 2 hours, etc. Last night wasn't really like that; I'm not sure why. Whereas, the last time we played this event there was a crowd of about 500, this time there were maybe 50 people watching the bands. Didn't sell any CD's, or get names on the mailing list. But, we played pretty well. And we got paid enough money to cover next month's rent on the practice space. Plus, Chris drank about a million free beers. By the end of the night, he had this silly grin on his face while he leaned lovingly against the building for support.

The 1st band to play was this 3 piece called Thatcher C. Miles. They're guys formerly in a really, really great band called Annie. But, when half on Annie decided to move to Atlanta, the other half stayed behind, so now they have this new incarnation. The singer, Stephen, has this incredible voice. Their songs are really ambient and experimental, with instruments wandering in & out of the arrangements. They do stuff like, put down a guitar, walk across the room & start playing Trombone, then back to their chairs to ping out a bit of xylophone. I thought they were amazing. Joe played sleigh bells with them on one tune, and he looked really cute, grooving it with his back to the crowd. Stephen has this amazing effects pedal. Its like a fancy delay, in that you can program a bit of guitar or whatever & it'll play it back in an infinite loop, only BACKWARDS! So fly. We decided we're getting something similar for Ryan to use.

We played 2nd, and there isn't much to say really. We were totally, 180 degrees different from TCM. But, I think our sort of acoustic haywire performance picked the crowd up a bit. We played so loud on "Rocketpop" that I thought the monitors were going to explode. The funniest thing that happened was, we played "Picasso" last, only Joe thought it was "Empress of New York" so he played the whole song with the EoNY shuffle beat. It actually sounded interesting. Joe was playing really, really great. Ever since he reemerged from his funk, he's got this really positive energy.

The last band was Underwater. I've thought they were great for a really long time. Their new record "This Is Not A Film" is, literally, one of the best records I own. And I don't mean "of the local bands;" I mean, in general. Melissa's lyrics are amazing (a line that sticks in my head is "Its not what I want; but I do it for you.") Jeremy, has been my musical hero for a while now. He's just got this great sense of melody in his compositions. He'll write the most complex pieces of music, things in timings like 9 or 7, with great, shifting chord changes, but he always finds a way to go to a chord that it so beautiful, in context, that it just KILLS you. I've heard rumors that Underwater is breaking up; If they do, I hope they each go on to other musical endeavors. They're too good to just give up.

All in all, it was a great night. Tip of the hat to Gina who did an incredible job running sound. I especially liked getting to play with 2 bands that no club would ever in a million years book us with. Thatcher C. Miles & Underwater are both infinitely hipper than we'll ever be. It was kind of neat to get to hang out with the cool kids. I still like my hoakie old acoustic guitar though, and I promise to always be a big geek.

This show was a benefit to raise money so that 10 Youth Pride kids could go on an Outward Bound trip. You never quite know what to expect at Benefit shows. We could've easily ended up having to cram into a corner of someone's backyard & play over the mosquitoes while uniformed waiters served hors d'ouevers to a sparse & elderly crowd. My Sister's Room, however, turned out to be this incredible space. They have a really, really great raised stage under a canopy, and across the road, in perfect perspective, are train tracks. The stage looks out over this wide patio that opens up into a garden, with a gazebo & real grass. I'm not kidding, it was one of the most chi-filled places I've ever played at. Ryan & I took one look at Rosa Believe's band equipment set up on stage, with a train speeding by in the background & simoultaneously squared our hands like cameras & yelled "THE ALBUM COVER!" Chris, probably, will veto this idea; we've had something a bit more sparse in mind. like bare trees lining a city street, or math equations screened back behind a blank white space, with a single acoustic guitar & condensor mic. But the train was cool; I wish I'd taken a picture.

It's been a really weird couple of weeks. Joe disappeared. Didn't go to work, didn't call any of us. We got our only information through his girlfriend... I finally talked to him the other day & as far as I can tell, a 3-day migrane prompted some sort of life crisis, which required him to disappear for 2 weeks to decide what was important to him. I love Joe; I think he's one of the nicest human beings ever to have been born on this planet. But when he doesn't communicate with us, I can't help thinking that we're part of the problem for him. This makes me sad in a way I can't explain. I've been thinking & thinking about how Joe said he had "a year left in him." I've decided that having "a year left" isn't an option for me. This is who I am. There are lots of bad and hard things about being in a band: pressure I put on myself because I don't look like a rock star, or because people don't always get it (what we're about.) But these things seep in from outside. Inside myself, and inside weaklazyliar, it all comes down to creating something from nothing. It's a crazy-intimate, shared experience. And if anything, I haven't opened myself up to it enough. This is just the beginning.

Anyway, about the show. It went great. Paulie & I traded songs, with Ryan tearing it up on his F-Hole superguitar. We played one of the new songs that will, barring any weird turns, be on the new record; I think it's called "Old Blue Suit." Its in 3/3 time, so it has a swaying feel, only its a heavier song, with a really bizarre bridge. Paulie played "Hey California" which I think is my favorite Paul song (it'll be on *his* next record.) I sang harmonies with him on "Slumberland" (My 2nd favorite Paul song, and I don't think I screwed up the harmonies too bad.) We also did Elevator, off the Tayo remix CD. Paul did a really cool cover of "Pulling Mussels from a Shell" while I tried to look pretty (since I didn't learn how to play it, or sing the harmonies, much to the chagrin of Gina.) I wish you guys could've seen Ryan playing guitar; he's our little weaklazysuperhero. He earned a cheer from the house for his PMFAS guitar solo.

After us, this new band called Fat Chance played. Fat Chance is composed of 3 old friends of mine who were the core of a band that used to be called Ad Lib. They've added a new lead guitar player & drummer. You should check them out because, not only do they have great harmonies, but they're entertaining as hell too. I had to leave after their set, so I missed Angela Motter & Rosa Believe, but they're both awesome, so check them out too. Also, I want to say thanks to Kelly & Tana for including us at the Benefit. It was truely one of the best-organized benefits I've ever played at. And it didn't hurt that they held it at such a cool venue. Now if I can only convince Chris and Joe to play there...

Allow me to admit right now that it was entirely my fault that our show sucked. I warn you, when you see a singer with her eyes shut tight, holding an emotional note, there is a 50/50 chance that she may be thinking about the yummy sushi she had for dinner the night before. Normally, this mental wandering wouldn't noticeably effect her performance unless, perhaps, the singer in question had one pre-show beer too many. I did felt a bit bad about it, but I've elected not to spend the mental energy beating myself up. Today, I've got my yin & yang in proper working order and I'm just going to let it go.

Perhaps the reason I'm so balanced is that, Friday before the show we got a check in the mail (our writer & publisher's royalties from BMI for having "Monster" on "Just Deal.") Lets just say that it was over 3 times the amount of money we got for the licensing fee. Prior to having a relatively horrible show, I was ecstatic over the windfall. Playing badly sort of crushed me back down to status-quo levels of mania. Still, it was a huge relief. Everything is falling into place for the new record!

Speaking of the new record, I talked to Jeep a good bit about what we wanted to do. I love Jeep to death; I think he's got the greatest attitude in the world about the music industry. I'm a little worried that our new songs are so vastly different from our old songs that everyone will hate them, but there comes a point when you just have to trust how things feel. And these songs feel great to play. There are indescribable moments now, like if I spontaneously sing something a bit different at the exact moment Joe emphasizes the same breath in the song. I hate writing things like that because it's possible that I'll hate these songs later and be laid flat by how wrong and dumb I was. But the truth is I love the new songs. I love this band. I love these moments in my life. If you've ever stopped yourself, on the way to the bank or something, and noticed the smallest thing-a tree, or the blue sky-and felt so overwhelmed by how beautiful and finite things can be, you know what I mean.

I wish a lot of things. I wish I played better. I wish we got gigs at better venues. I wish more people would come to our shows. I wish I looked good. I wish our songs played on the radio. I wish I could write songs for a living. Most days, I am Henderson The Rain King. I Want I Want I Want.

But not today. Today I'm just happy. Call again Tomorrow.

-g.

PS-One really humbling thing… Sonya Vetra & Jeep opened the show w/ an acoustic set (which they say they hate doing.) I saw them again yesterday, playing with a full band at the Inman Park Festival, and they were fantastic!! Jeep said they had only practiced once, a couple hours before the show. I despair of ever being that professional…

PPS-Go Buy all the Amanda Garrigues CD's. She's incredible. Looks a bit like Sheryl Crow & sounds a bit like Ani Difranco; trust me, you'll love her.

I'm having yet another shitty day at work.

This morning, my boss got into a fury with me over everything being half-ass in our office, something about a computer monitor he was supposed to get, but didn't & somehow it was my fault. He SCREAMED at me (and I mean huffing-puffing, red-in-the-face, type screaming) "YOU ARE THIS CLOSE! THIS CLOSE!!" To being fired, he meant. After which, he stalked off & hasn't returned.

So all day, I've been daydreaming about being fired. The relief of it. The chain reaction of losing my house because I can't afford to pay the mortgage, leading me to buy a camper truck with the dregs of the band fund, heading out on an impromptu tour of America, because what else am I going to do? Chris & Joe could come if they wanted. Chris plays a pretty mean harmonica & Joe can bongo with the best of them. We'd be perfect on streetcorners. Or, if they preferred to stay behind, I could send them postcards from El Paso and Aberdeen.

I went to Kinko's this afternoon. There's a girl who works there, who plays bass in another Atlanta band. We've met on multiple occasions but whenever I see her around, we don't speak. Its like this unwritten code of respect, "you pretend you never saw me living my shitty life & I'll pretend I never saw you buying beer & doughnuts at the Texaco." But, at shows, we speak like old friends.

There was this guy ahead of me in line @ Kinko's, with his little kid. He was this nice, normal tallish guy with a Jay Leno jaw and glasses. He had these long, tapered fingers and big, ugly Nike tennis shoes. He was the kind of guy you can picture, walking home from brunch on Saturday mornings, carrying his kid on his shoulders & talking to his wife who would be wearing her glasses & sweatpants and one of his old t-shirts, carrying a newspaper. They'd go home; he'd cut the grass. She'd lay in a lawn chair with a John Grisham novel. The kid would be named Eric, all big eyes and certain he was going to save the world.

Can I tell you something about myself? I feel half dead all the time. Day after exhausting day of people being so shitty to each other, and me being so shitty to people.

Lately, I keep imagining other people's lives and wishing I was just ordinary. There's this part of me that doesn't want to want anything. The world is so sad, and people are so mean, and I wish I didn't have to think about it. And I wish sometimes I was sure about myself. Sure enough, at least, to tell my boss, "Wow, I guess you're having a really shitty day to react like this to such a simple thing; what can I do to help" and mean it…

instead of staring him down with these blank eyes and saying nothing and picturing myself driving away in a camper truck under the stars in a perfect world that doesn't exist.

I stuck [DEMO] into my car CD Player this morning. I don't think I've listened to it in about a year. I had totally forgotten I played that lame travis-picking thing in the beginning of Too Much TV. Also, we recorded that song about 5 bpm faster thanwe play it live. And my voice sounds weird, like, really high and…happy.

It made me remember that whole bizarre period of time prior to making our first CD. I had just been dumped. Gently, but still. I started having an affair with someone who was married, for all intents and purposes. I quit my job at the bookstore because I couldn't stand it anymore. And I went a bit crazy. I moved back in with
my parents. That lasted a month. I got a new job that was even worse than the one I had just quit. It rained all summer. I lay on my back in the grass a lot. I won the open mic @ Eddie's Attic. Chris & Jeff & I practiced once in some girl's basement; I think she was trying out to be our bass player, only we weren't even a
band…it was just me, and these 2 hot guys who had no intention of being in a band with a chick.

Summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter. The affair ended badly. Chris set up studio time for us. He found Ed in the phone book. We had $100 each and we went in to record 3 songs, so that we'd have a demo to send to clubs. Paula Cole & Sheryl Crow were all over the radio. It was "the year of the woman." Ed gave us our first positive feedback. He said, don't worry about the money; A 1-day session turned into several days spread over 3-4 months. We'd come in & find Ed had added a few wanking guitars to "Picasso" or multiple organ parts to "Elvis." He was really nice to us, tried to help us out. In the end, we only paid him $300 for all the work he did on our demo. His studio got shut down for zoning violations just prior to mixing. We ended up finishing at his house, watching "Clerks" on laserdisk while he mixed stuff down. He never gave us the masters to those songs.

I remember playing Ed one of our new songs, "Tuesday," I think. He said it sounded just like "Picasso." The chord changes were the same or something. And that was the end of Ed. He got us, and yet he didn't get us. He treated us like our band was just about me, and that Chris and Jeff weren't relevant. Which was so not the
case.

When we finally got [DEMO] back from the manufacturer, it was this AMAZING thing. I was so happy that I can't even remember the moment. I've blocked it out. People aren't allowed to be that happy. I remember hanging out a lot at Chris' apartment. He'd make up things on his guitar & I'd sing dumb lyrics till we were both falling on the floor laughing. I remember feeling really, really alive. I remember being overwhelmingly content and saying that, even if nothing ever happened, even if I died the next day, I had done this one thing; I had followed my heart, and we had made something that we all believed in.

4 years later, on the CD player, I listen to myself singing on [DEMO] and I still hear that in my voice. Nothing's changed. Except that it isn't enough; I'm not overwhelmingly content about anything. We got rejected for Music Midtown (this lame Atlanta music festival) for the 3rd time, and we're all still working our day jobs. I don't feel really, really alive. And Chris and I haven't hung out making up dumb
songs in as long as I can remember.

But the new songs we've written are probably some of best stuff we've ever done. They're denser, and maybe a less accessible (although Gina doesn't agree about that.) Darker, and yet, this is who we are now. We aren't so naïve anymore, thinking we could make a demo, have a label sign us based on 7 songs, go be rock stars, change the world as we know it. I was thinking the other day that the World is this organic thing, a big blue sky, and we're all just the scenery. Life goes on with or without us. I don't know how I feel about that. But faced with that, I'm still glad I've followed my heart. Even if it gets me nowhere.

Last night was historic, but you'll have to read all the way to the end to find out why.

Before the show, we all sat out on the patio @ Eddie's. We could actually see stars through the orange and polluted Atlanta haze. Gina, amateur astronomer, pointed out Orion's Belt; there is NOTHING our Gina can't do! If you closed your eyes and blocked out the traffic noise, you could almost imagine being on a rooftop someplace; you could almost imagine that if you opened your eyes you'd see a whole sky full of stars. I can't explain. It was just a nice moment.

The Oxygen Network was supposed to tape the shows for a feature they're doing on Eddie's, but if they were there, we never saw them. Elizabeth & Scott, from Alastor, played first. Elizabeth reminded me of a slightly disgruntled Joni Mitchell. Tall with this really nice, long, blonde hair, and it seemed like she may have been in a bit of a grumpy mood, which worked to her effect; she was droll and smart and made reference to morrissey. (The Smith's, by the way, are one of my all-time favorite bands.) Cooper Seay played next; you've
probably heard of her, as she's famous around here. She used to be in 2 of Atlanta's most popular bands-the Ellen James Society & Viva La Diva. It was great to finally hear her. This may sound shallow, but Ryan & I really loved her pants; she had on these silvery pants with a stripe down the side. **swoon**

As we were setting up, Liza-the-soundgirl put on a CD Ryan "Tayo" made, with remixes of Secondhand, Snow & Again. We sold our 1st CD of the night before we even got onstage, because someone loved the remixes! (Now Ryan will be all puffed up; he'll be remixing everything.)

We had a pretty good show. I hit some clunkers and dropped my pick a couple times, but Ryan's genius on the piano covered for me. And Joe has become a master with brushes. Chris was pretty good too. (I'm sure you all know that I think Chris is a musical genius, but I have to temper my praise because he puffs up too easily. Egomaniac.) In the grand tradition of singer-songwriters everywhere, I told a couple embarrassing stories. One involving the 2nd grade & another involving an unfortunate experience with a bidet. Afterwards, Scott from Alastor said that I was this mix of seeming confident while I sang & then having this "oh-shucks" thing going in between songs. That's pretty much dead on. About the only time I don't feel like I'm faking it is when we're playing. But, if I have to choose, I'll choose having songs that stand on their own over being a rock star diva any day.

There weren't too many people in the club, maybe 40 total who drifted in & out of all 3 sets. At the end of the night, our show money didn't even cover our bar & dinner tab. But the good news is, we sold 7 CDs, which was just enough to cover the remaining outstanding balance we owed Gina for loaning us the cash to manufacture & promote Yesterday Night. We're out of debt!!! No, you don't understand, this is historic!

OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!! OUT OF DEBT!!!!!

It's a good day.

The SUCK of our Borders** appearance a couple weeks ago touched off a whole band discussion on how to make our live show better. Many ideas were bandied about (Pyrotechnics, Full-Size Replica of Stonehenge, Loincloths,) but for starters, we settled on "Getting Gerlinda To Talk Less." It was agreed that my babbling between songs demeaned & diminished the thoughtfulness of the songs themselves, and that it would be better if I could just be pensive & say nothing at all.

So, with that in mind, we started off the show with the dirge ("Again.") I had my back turned to the crowd as the curtain opened & Ryan was playing some cool ambient stuff. Chris & Joe waited backstage, calculating their entrance. After a few moments of spacey keyboards, I started playing my guitar…only there was no sound at all. So, I turned my pensive ass around and said, "Can I get some guitar up here?" Normally, a setback like this would kill any shred of confidence I may have been able to muster. But, in this case, it only cracked me up. I mean, there I was trying to be Jim Morrison or whatever, and it's just so typical that I would
end up looking like even more of a dork than I am naturally.

Still, I continued my pensive act. We'd finish a song & I'd stand there moodily tuning my guitar, saying nothing. Silence Is So Loud…people shifting uncomfortably in their seats, all the energy in the room sucked into a vortex, the occasional, limp, catcall. Eventually, I couldn't stand it & I started making jokes about how "this whole pensive thing" wasn't really working for me. To our credit, we played really well. Better than we've played in a LONG TIME. And, by the last half of the show, we were completely loose & into it. Joe was tearing it up on the drums, Chris sounded great, Ryan was playing such cool stuff, and even I wasn't messing up. We improvised an entire song, which we've never really done before, except messing around at practice. To our surprise, it actually went over pretty well. We had planned to end the set on "Rocketpop," but when we finished playing (complete with cymbals crashing & long-drawn-out riffing,) no one closed the curtain. So we ended up doing a couple more songs.

We LOVE playing Smith's. They've got a great sound system, a real stage, bright lights, the works. Much as we love playing Eddie's Attic, its nice sometimes to be able to unleash the beast within…which in our case means playing with real drumsticks & cranking the amps up past 2. Sadly, only about 20 people showed up to see us play, meaning it'll be months before we get asked to play Smith's again. But I'm not worried. We'll figure out this whole Live Show thing eventually, and then you people will be clamoring for autographs, starting tape trading circles, lining up outside the clubs for hours, maybe days, in advance. We'll permanently etch the names of our 20 loyal fans on our guest lists & they can have 1st dibbs on the girls Chris & Joe reject. Fair is Fair, after all.

**********a couple footnotes*********

*Nillah-They win the NICEST BAND award; we played with them acoustic @ Eddie's a few months ago & it was great to finally get to hear them in all their electric glory. We're doing another show with them in May, and we can't wait.

**Our Last Borders Show-In all my kvetching about how horrible we were, I feel bad that I failed to mention how great Angie Goodale was. She's got THE LOOK & a really cool Martin guitar. Check her out if you can!

This particular Monday morning, I'd rather be chowing down on a cow pattie than sitting here at my day job. I am struggling, I swear, to give a poo about what kind of tile we pick for the public restroom, or the note I got about the cleanliness of the urinal, or bitchy phone call from the lady who was irate that her account statement got faxed, instead of mailed. I'm trying to be funny, but honestly, I just feel like sitting down and bawling. This SUCKS.

So I dream of other things. Like, practice, for instance, has been incredible. There's just such good energy when we play the new stuff. For all I know, our new songs suck. But they just feel so great to play. In complete contrast to sitting here.

I have a fantasy that goes like this: Someone loves us. They put us on tour for 4 months with Suzanne Vega. It's a tour of smallish venues. The audiences don't care what we look like; they only appreciate what we have to say. We sell 200,000 copies of our record. People tell Joe he's the first drummer they've ever seen live who really FEELS what he's playing. They ask me penetrating questions about the lyrics, to which I send 18 page handwritten responses. They realize that Chris is a little Paul McCartney, who can play every instrument in
the band. "Snow" wins a spot on the soundtrack to the next Tom Hanks film, over the opening scene in which a little freckled girl kneels in front of her window at night and watches snow fall, while a big neon star shines from a mountaintop in the distance. Our record sells 500,000 more copies. We put out the new record. It sells a million copies in 6 months and gets nominated for a grammy. We don't attend the awards because we're all busy working on other projects. Chris is scoring some independent film and playing in a bluegrass band with
Ryan. I am trying to write a novel. And Joe is in Japan playing drums in Sean Lennon's latest project. We've all invested wisely. Because we put the records out ourselves, we get to keep all the money. Just when everyone has almost forgotten us, we play VH1 Storytellers, with guest stars Suzanne Vega, John Prine, and the ghost of Bob Marley. Our Storytellers CD becomes one of the most consistent sellers of all time, like James Taylor's Greatest Hits. We all feel fortunate; we give lots of money to charity.

Then we play a show like the one we played yesterday and it becomes all too clear that nobody in their right mind would even sign the mailing list, much less put us on tour with somebody. We SUCK! Times like these, I get so frustrated with myself that I have visions of running into the street and being battered to death by a poor unsuspecting soccer Mom driving her Jeep Grand Cherokee. What is the matter with us??? We should be BLOWING AWAY people at shows like Borders. Not forgetting chords & stopping songs in the middle
because we skipped parts, and starting songs in the wrong fucking key!!

Joe told me at practice on Saturday that he has "about a year" left in him. He says he believes in this band, and he wants to put everything he has into our next record. And then that's it. If nothing happens, then he's moving away and giving up the idea of being a drummer. I don't blame him. I've thought of it myself. Thought of what my life would be like without weaklazyliar. Its different for each of us, but for me, I never tried-REALLY TRIED-at anything before this. After playing a show like Sundays, I have to ask myself if I really AM trying.

I imagine a wasteland of days being a property manager stretching ahead of me, forever.

the walls need fresh paint my door closer is broken there's a draft coming in through my window my roof is leaking I don't think I should have to pay full rent you idiot why didn't you charge them a late fee you're the property manager you should notice if the gas pipes are dusty am I the only one who sees these bits of paper caught in the tree limbs when's the last time you watered the plants some idiot parked in the handicapped space do you live in a barn fuck the gas bills have quadrupled how come you didn't pay the mortgage on time what do you mean there's no cash for my dividend goddamned fucking bitch I told you not to fucking fax my goddamned fucking invoice would you mind taking a look at my air conditioner can you send someone to change a light bulb the sign fell off my front door god why are there so many cobwebs I don't owe you this I don't owe you this I don't owe you this I don't owe you this

My family moved in the middle of my 6th grade year to a 99.9% white, 100% suck-filled, town called Colonel Heights. Overnight, I went from being "gregarious and tom-boyish" to being "the immature class dumbass." I acquired the nickname, "Germ." The teacher once put us in groups & told us to write plays based on a young adult novel of our choice. The group I was in picked this book about these 2 insane war veterans who turned an island made of pumice into a traveling war ship. The teacher filmed us acting out the play & during the intermission, something overcame me & I ran out on stage and sang: "If you want to live, then you will have to give-EAT YOUR BEANIE WEENIES EVERYDAY!"

A vast and impenetrable silence fell over the room.

I remember feeling, not embarrassed, but disconnected in every possible way. And in that moment, it was clear to me that I would never fit in. I have this theory that, at the Dawn of Time when places in the world got carved out for everyone, a few of us got placed No Place. I've come to see this as an honor, of sorts.

I wasn't nervous at all about this show, but a few things conspired to leave me feeling less confident as the evening wore on. First, Doria & Amanda (and I can only say great things about them-they're both awesome performers) were WAY more evolved than we are, especially with regard to marketing themselves. Doria arrived with a preprinted guest list + tablecloth & decorative posters for the merchandising table. Amanda travels with her own credit card machine. They asked me if we had any merchandise and I was like, "Uh…I think we have 4 CD's left, but I don't know if anyone brought them…" Then our soundcheck SUCKED. My guitar sounded like a bad AM radio. Finally, people started POURING through the door. Vast numbers of strangers, all there to see Doria. By the time we played, I was in that 6th grade frame of mind.

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. I should play every show with that attitude. I had a lot of fun; Chris & I kept cracking each other up. We played well, I think. We even broke Chris' rule & did this new song that he calls "Wait For Me" and I call "Break In The Clouds." Paul came up & sang harmonies on "Again" with us. We did our cover of Suzanne Vega's song "Cracking," which is shaping up to be pretty cool, I think. My sister was in town for the show. Greg from Nillah came out to see us. Ryan wore his handsome snowcap. Joe broke out his new 12" splash cymbal & Chris introduced his new 50 watt Ampeg amp, which (believe it or not) sounds infinitely better than the million-pound, 150 watt head + 4 speaker cabinet that he's been using. These are our spoils from getting a few things on TV.

Liza, the soundgirl @ Eddie's Attic, asked me once what our goals were with regard to our music. The question sort of floored me, and I realized that, speaking for myself, I don't really have any. I mean, writing & playing were the only goals I ever had…and here I am, doing that. Pretty good for a girl with no place in the world.